The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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