I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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