I just pynch a tree in the face
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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