if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
