we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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