as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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