Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
