I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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