If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
