I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
