Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
