I puked a lego.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
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SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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