when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
