You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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