If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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