Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
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i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
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as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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