Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
