i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
