My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
