It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
