Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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