I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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