I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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