I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
