i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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