just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
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Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
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The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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