Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
