Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
