so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
