Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
