The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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