Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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