Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
