i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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