im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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