I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
