You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
