turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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