I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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