there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
