I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
