Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
