she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
