I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
