Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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