Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
