I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
