you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
