The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
