i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize