she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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