I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
