her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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