I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dear god my vagina.
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