you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
