If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
